And now, because too much sappy sentiment isn’t good for you, a double dose of the adventures of Martha and Tilley.
Copyright 2001 Julie Weathers All rights reserved
Warning Martha and Tilly are browsing through Victoria’s Secrets again.
Martha and Tilley stared at the notice on the bulletin board. The Old Gray Meres were fund raising again.
Martha peered at the list of suggestions and snorted. “I ain’t wearing those stupid Dutch costumes and making funnels cakes again. I’m tired of squeezing lemons for lemonade. If I have to paint one more face on one more spoiled kid I think I’ll start using permanent markers.”
“You did that last year, remember?”
Martha snickered. “Yep. Didn’t have anyone coming back complaining that their face paint didn’t last long enough though.”
They strolled into the meeting room and grabbed two chairs at the back table. Tilley pulled out her Duds For Studs catalogue and her magnifying glass so they could browse through the men’s section. After all, Christmas was just around the corner and it was time to shop for that special something.
Martha stared through her trifocals at the black leather thong her friend had just circled. She tried to imagine Tilley’s husband Bob in the skimpy underwear and regretted it immediately.
Martha stabbed her bony finger at the Greek god of a man in the boxers with a picture of Pinnochio on page 29.
“His nose is missing,” whispered Tilley.
“The man is supposed to supply the nose.”
Tilley stared at the picture for a moment and then giggled. “Ooooh, I get it,” she said and circled the number.
“Unfortunately,” Bernice whined, “we just received a response from the fair board about working the hospitality and lost child booth. They have permanently banned us so we will be working the Santa booth at the mall to raise money. I trust there is no way /anyone/ can mess this up, but we have a contract guaranteeing payment anyway.”
Everyone in the room turned to stare at Martha and Tilley. “What?” Martha snapped. “The kid had a skinned knee. I told him it was a long way from his heart. Get over it.”
Bernice sniffed righteously. “I think their major objection was the terrible stories you told to the children during make-believe time. The kids couldn’t sleep for weeks. I understand two of them are still in counseling.
“I’ll be posting the shifts we’ll be working from now until Christmas. Santa’s helpers will be wearing green outfits. Green costumes. Green money. Think green.”
Gretta gasped and /thunked/ to the floor when Martha and Tilley walked into the senior center meeting room two weeks later.
“You two,” Bernice spat. “Your hair is still green.”
“You told us to think green,” Martha replied sweetly.
“I have never been so mortified in my entire life.”
“Did we get paid, Bernice?”
“Well, yes, but that isn’t the point. Where on earth did you two find those, those, those…”
“They’re called thongs,” Martha said as she calmly filed her fingernail.
Tilley held up her dog-eared copy of Victoria’s Secrets. “They have more of those cute little green elf outfits in here for only $39.99 if anyone else wants one.”
A still wobbly Gretta gawked at the catalogue in Tilley’s hand.
“Someone ought to watch Gretta. She’s looking a little green,” said Martha.