Literary Agent Cults

I’ve been thinking, which I like to do.

What are clients of agents? Do they form some kind of camaraderie? Do they become like family? Jenny Rapaport has a posse. Posses are good. I belong to a nice posse, but I doubt we will all get the same agent. If we do, I think it will be something very foreboding since we are all very different. Of course, that might be an interesting plotline. An agent who is all things to all clients through a supernatural…a supernatural what? A supernatural slush box.

This agent would be the exact opposite of Evil Editor who is an equal opportunity dream destroyer.

OH! Maybe our All Enfolding Agent could do battle with Evil Editor and then through lots of plot twists and surprising events (I’m very good at twisting plots like a can of worms. Ask poor Merry Montleone.) we find out they aren’t really enemies after all, but they are actually both evil, evil, evil.

The hero would have to be an astute writer who sees through all this, of course, and leads the culted authors to freedom on a mountain where they join up with others who are protected against evil cults.

Jessica Faust’s followers would be Jessicults.

Lucienne Diver’s would be Lucicults. They are doubly insidious because instead of wearing matching tee shirts they wear animal skins and some people call them Lucifurs.

Janet Reid’s would be Sharkults, of course. Her pink octopus would be jealous and steal some for herself and they would be Octocults.

Kristin Nelson’s would be Krults.

Donald Maass uses Maass hypnosis to amaass his followers. (I’m sorry, it’s late.)

Nathan Bransford has a diabolical plan. “When in doubt, cult me.” This leads to a massive, not maassive, following of Multi-culture cultists.

Eleanor Wood has a cult of Woodcults. How much wood would a Woodcult cult if a Woodcult could cult wood?

Rachelle Gardner’s clients escaped becoming cultists, by going to the top of a mountain, but the cultists are tracking them down. Rachel Vater and her clients join them because they are both just so darned sweet. They later discover the name Rachel and its variations is a ward against cultists.

This is the ultimate battle between good and evil. Agent cults and the authors who join them. Do you have an agent plan or will you be one of the mindless cultists who shuffle down the streets burbling out elevator pitches until civilians run screaming in terror?

22 Comments

  1. First you tell me I need a zombie plan, now I need an agent cult plan too? At least this one won’t involve moving to Alaska…

    As their Internet presence increases, these agents are only going to collect larger cults of writerly followers. I wonder how they feel about that, is it odd to have so many people who follow you (and at the same time so many people who can’t be bothered to follow query guidelines…)

    Maybe that’s the purpose of the cult – to hunt down all would-be queriers and make sure they follow submission guidelines.

  2. And the cult leaders could start sounding like the Borg – Resistance is futile, all will be assimilated… Very funny post, Julie. I hope you got some sleep.

  3. You’re nuts.

    Regarding Tiffany’s zombie plan, that made me think of zombies and brains, and for some reason, the scarecrow as a zombie, skipping down the yellow brick road, singing If I Only Had a Brain…

  4. Tara, her Twitter stopped Twitting and she had to ReTwit everyone…

    Or something like that.

    Julie,

    I think everyone needs a matching T-shirt or a secret sign, just so we can tell which cult they belong to.

  5. Tiffany,

    Yes, one can never be too prepared.

    You may be on to something. What if it’s all related to queries? I don’t know. I don’t make the news, I just report it.

    Julie

  6. And the cult leaders could start sounding like the Borg – Resistance is futile, all will be assimilated…

    Exactly!!

    Yes, I got about 4 hours sleep. I’m good to go.

  7. You’re nuts.

    I’ve heard that before, but I’m not quite believing it.

    Oh, I sing that song quite frequently. Thinking about the scarecrow shuffling down the yellow brick road singing it like a dirge is interesting.

  8. Tara,

    Yes, but you love silly in all forms, methinks.

    Saerowyn is following you. That’s why you got the second notice.

    Just don’t smoke around him and you’ll be fine. He has a tendency to carry explosives on his person.

    Julie

  9. If I could breathe through this cold, I’d be laughing so hard I can’t breathe. As it is, I’m just slowly turning blue with a smile on my face.

    Imagine…the same agent handling your entire posse? That would be an amazing individual. Superagent to the rescue…and yes, the Borg analogy would probably be appropriate. Or Daleks. My daughter does a credible Dalek impersonation…

    You will be published…published…published!

  10. Hey, sweetie

    I hope you get to feeling better soon.

    I really need to get a new post up before the whole world thinks I have lost it.

    I think a great number of us are going to have a good year.

    Hugs

    Julie

  11. *chortling*, Julie! What a funny post. I came over from your comment on Nathan Bransford’s blog. You’ve got a terrific blog here, and I’ll be back!

    Maass hypnosis. *snork*. I love a good pun. 😉

  12. Okay, I can see via Twitter that you’re far from “disappeared.” Had me worried for a bit there.

    (He said, still resisting Twitter’s “Tweet now… now… NOW!” siren call.)

  13. John, far from disappeared. Just in an extremely foul mood and not fit for human company or decent conversation. Twitter bits here and there I can manage.

    Also working a lot of hours, oversleeping and still trying to figure out how to change this beast called Paladin.

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