Martha and Tilley
Think Green
Copyright 2001 Julie Weathers All rights reserved
Warning: Martha and Tilly are browsing through Victoria’s Secrets again.
Think Green
Martha and Tilley stared at the notice on the bulletin board. The Old Gray Meres were fund raising again.
Martha peered at the list of suggestions and snorted. “I ain’t wearing those stupid Dutch costumes and making funnels cakes again. I’m tired of squeezing lemons for lemonade. If I have to paint one more face on one more spoiled kid I think I’ll start using permanent markers.”
“You did that last year, remember?”
Martha snickered. “Yep. Didn’t have anyone coming back complaining that their face paint didn’t last long enough though.”
They strolled into the meeting room and grabbed two chairs at the back table. Tilley pulled out her Duds For Studs catalogue and her magnifying glass so they could browse through the men’s section. After all, Christmas was just around the corner and it was time to shop for that special something.
Martha stared through her trifocals at the black leather thong her friend had just circled. She tried to imagine Tilley’s husband Bob in the skimpy underwear and regretted it immediately.
Martha stabbed her bony finger at the Greek god of a man in the boxers with a picture of Pinnochio on page 29.
“His nose is missing,” whispered Tilley.
“The man is supposed to supply the nose.”
Tilley stared at the picture for a moment and then giggled. “Ooooh, I get it,” she said and circled the number.
“Unfortunately,” Bernice whined, “we just received a response from the fair board about working the hospitality and lost child booth. They have permanently banned us so we will be working the Santa booth at the mall to raise money. I trust there is no way anyone can mess this up, but we have a contract guaranteeing payment anyway.”
Everyone in the room turned to stare at Martha and Tilley. “What?” Martha snapped. “The kid had a skinned knee. I told him it was a long way from his heart. Get over it.”
Bernice sniffed righteously. “I think their major objection was the terrible stories you told to the children during make-believe time. The kids couldn’t sleep for weeks. I understand two of them are still in counseling.
“I'll be posting the shifts we’ll be working from now until Christmas. Santa’s helpers will be wearing green outfits. Green costumes. Green money. Think green.”
Gretta gasped and thunked to the floor when Martha and Tilley walked into the senior center meeting room.
“You two,” Bernice spat. “Your hair is still green."
“You told us to think green,” Martha replied sweetly.
“I have never been so mortified in my entire life.”
“Did we get paid, Bernice?”
“Well, yes, but that isn’t the point. Where on earth did you two find those, those, those…”
“They’re called thongs,” Martha said as she calmly filed her fingernail.
Tilley held up her dog-eared copy of Victoria’s Secrets. “They have more of those cute little green elf outfits in here for only $39.99 if anyone else wants one.”
A still wobbly Gretta gawked at the catalogue in Tilley’s hand.
“Someone ought to watch Gretta. She’s looking a little green,” said Martha.
Mermaids and Candles
Written by Julie Weathers
Copyright 2000 All rights reserved.
Martha peered down her nose through her trifocals at the catalogue on the table. Tilley was rummaging through her purse, looking for her magnifying glass.
“The Sensual Senior...” the senior center activities director droned on as Martha and Tilley passed the recovered magnifying glass back and forth.
The director stopped talking as she paused to look at what the two were examining. “Good. Good.” She picked up the catalogue and held it in the air as she pointed to the male models in string bikinis. "Martha and Tilley are ahead of the game already. I was just about to tell you to encourage your mates to get involved in your romantic fantasies. Buy them some sexy underwear or a costume to spice up your love life. Think of your spouse in black silk bikinis, a black mask and cape and topped off with a black hat. How would you like to make love to Zorro tonight?”
There were a few twitters, more gasps and one thunk as Gretta fainted dead away.
"That’ll be all for this week,” the director trilled as she patted Gretta’s face. “Let me know how your romantic weekend goes. Uh, would somebody send the nurse in here? See you all next week.”
Martha looked around the room. It looked like something out of a Dracula movie with all these candles, but the director said it was ‘tres’ romantic. Maybe so, but she was betting the chicken cacciatori and wine would be what made George’s heart flutter. Hopefully not too much, didn’t want to get the pace maker off kilter. Well, not too much anyway.
“What did you decide to do?” she asked Tilley over the phone. “Yes, I think the mermaid outfit will be real cute. That ought to be the catch of the day for the old boy,” she laughed as she hung up the receiver.
Martha finished putting up the dishes and dried her hands. What a disaster. All those candles wasted. That beautiful dinner was okay, but it would have been much better when it was first delivered from Mario’s. At least George was comfortable in his recliner now. She could hear him snoring all the way into the kitchen.
She jumped when phone rang beside her.“Tilley. What’s the matter? Quit crying and tell me what’s wrong. What do you mean you can’t walk? Oh, okay. I’ll be right there.”
Martha walked into Tilley’s living room and stared at her friend who was flopping around on the couch just like a real fish. The green and blue mermaid tail glittered in the soft glow of the new lava lamp. Tilley’s long, blonde wig spread out in waves around her.
“Martha! Thank heavens you’re here,” Tilley cried. “I can’t get out of this suit.”
Martha bent down beside her. “What are the shells doing on your waist? I thought they were supposed to be on your boobs”
“They are.” Tilley sobbed.
Martha looked closer. “Oh. So they are. Well, roll over so I can get to the zipper. How did you plan on getting out of this thing?”
“I thought Bob would do it for me. He walked in the living room and took one look at me then started peeling off his suit. I was so excited when he ran in the bedroom. Then he ran back out the door in his work clothes thanking me for reminding him he was supposed to go work on Swen’s ice fishing shack tonight. How,” sob, “did your night go?”
“Worse than yours. George came in the house and took one look at the candles before squawking at me about not paying the electric bill. I flipped on the lights to prove we had electricity and he said if we had electricity, we durned sure didn’t need all them stinking candles. So I put dinner on the table and blew out all the candles. The smoke from the candles triggered his emphysema and we spent the next two hours in the hospital.”
“What should we do now?”
“Well, I’m going home to drink a bottle of wine and then tomorrow we need to get that idiot activities director fired. We’ll give her a box of used candles as a going away gift.”
